Wrapping Up the Holidays

That was our Christmas card. Some people may have even received one in the mail. I keep finding nibbled remnants of hand-written address labels around the house, tucked into into the crevices of the heating registers, toy tractors, and laundry baskets. The handiwork of a little white-haired boy with whom I live.

I hope your holidays are going well, if they're still going. Hope they filled you with gratitude and warmth and happiness.

I had posted a pic of some kind of zoo creature sleeping in a trashcan. It looks like the ugly tail end of an oppossom. Lisa told me it was hideous and that I was sick for liking the picture.

These things are probably true.

I mean, the holiday started out with me making Christmas tree garland out of Edward Gorey post cards like this. I thought maybe that was a sign that something might be off.

I guess it's just an appreciation for a certain kind of grim and absurdity. My sense of humor has something to do with an annoying existential rut that I wriggle in and out of on a daily basis. So this image of the ugly butt inside the Brute can? It just makes sense to me. I can look at this and see many connections to the holidays. Mostly just the ugliness I often feel inside. But also stress. Anxiety. Depression. Isolation. A desire to hibernate.

Anti-social creature at Lincoln Park Zoo, spring 2011

I joke about it, but winters have started to scare me as they approach. How stuck I feel when the deep, dark, cold sets in.  I know I will try to make the most of it by playing in the snow, making hot cocoa or tea, playing music, doing art projects, watching movies, building forts. But I'm know how prone I am to getting stuck. This year I will try to get out of my head more often. Be grateful. Be wide-eyed and amazed. Be aware of how lucky I am to be healthy and that I have so much time with my kids. Be hopeful that no matter how dark and cold it seems, there is always light and warmth somewhere. Find it.

"Charlie Brown, you're the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem."